You Might Be A Conservative If … 2016 Edition

Photo of men at parade waving US flags. you know you might be a conservative if...
Photo: Public Domain 2003, Phillip Forrest/US Navy.

15 ways to tell if you might be a conservative.

1. You might be a conservative if you roared with laughter when the RNC ran their anti-Obama “He’s a celebrity” ad campaign eight years ago that compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears. Yet today, you’re perfectly willing to send a man to the White House whose crowning achievement is that he once hosted a reality TV show.

2. You’re a strong defender of the Constitution. Except of course, for that whole “no religious test” nonsense, and the fact that the SCOTUS ruled on the constitutionality of a woman’s right to determine her own healthcare choices over 4 decades ago which you still haven’t accepted. You believe these are imprecise and need further scrutiny. The 2nd Amendment however, is sacrosanct! It’s exactly as the founders intended it. Because… Guns.

3. You might be a conservative if you believe George W. Bush kept us safe and Barack Obama hasn’t.

4. You believe Barack Obama should be impeached for re-establishing relations with Cuba, because they’re Commies. But when Nixon went to China and Reagan met Gorbachev at Reykjavik? That was different. How was it different? Shuddup.

5. You might be a conservative if you’re outraged that the Obama administration signed a deal with Iran to monitor their nuclear program. Because clearly, no on-site monitors would be better than an army of them with unfettered access.

6. You believe America is still the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. Though you yourself lack the courage and compassion to grant a few thousand Syrian families refuge from poverty, civil war and the wrath of ISIS.

7. You might be a conservative if your favorite sound bite from the ’80s was “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” And your favorite sound bite today? “We’re going to build a wall.”

8.  You never let out a peep when George W. Bush more than doubled the national debt. But when Barack Obama added 35% to it to stave off another Republican Great Depression and to pay the interest on that debt, you became apoplectic. And when he transferred the $3.5 trillion the Bush administration hid in supplementals and residuals to cover the Iraq War and the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts to the official debt figure, you conservatives immediately blamed that increase on Obama too. So did Bush increase the debt by $5T? Ostensibly, he did. And did Obama increase it by a further $8T? He did. Unless of course, if you take into account that $3.5T intentionally kept off the books during the Bush years, in which case, it flips those figures. George W. Bush, in reality, increased the debt by $8.5T, not $5T, and Obama only increased it by $4.5-$4.7T, not $8T. Fact: The alleged party of “fiscal responsibility” is responsible for 2/3rds of the $19T debt. But it’s just so fun to blame it all on the black guy.

9. You might be a conservative if, for over fifty years, the focal point of your angst towards government has been “reckless spending.” Nothing drives conservatives bonkers quite like government waste. Half a billion lost on Solyndra? Off with their heads! But when one of your two remaining candidates for president, Ted Cruz, shut down the government two years ago all by his lonesome, loathsome self, which ended up costing the taxpayers some $24 billion? Not so much as a peep from the G. O. P.eanut gallery.

10. You might be a conservative if you want American jobs staying within American shores. I agree. That’s very admirable. Patriotic, even. Enough of these ferinners doing the jobs we’ve always done. Period. No exceptions. Well, there was that one time, when nearly 2 million jobs in the rust belt were on the verge of vanishing seven years ago and President Obama rescued them. All together now: Socialism!

11. Another burr in conservative’s collective jockstraps is ObamaCare because it’s a “jobs killer.” Except it hasn’t been. It’s been a jobs creator. Oh, and it’s brought health care coverage to 20 million Americans and the uninsured rate is now below 10 percent or the first time in history.  But keep hope alive my conservative friends! Ted Cruz has promised that on day one of his administration, he’ll stop ObamaCare in its tracks.

12. And speaking of jobs, unemployment, and that criminal Barack Obama, nothing pisses off conservatives more than how Obama’s trashed the economy. To wit; the unemployment rate peaked at nearly 10% in early 2009 (Damn you Obama!). But today it’s 5%; exactly half what it was back then. During the 8 years of the Cheney/Bush administration, approximately 3 million private sector jobs were created. As of April, 2016 14.4 million jobs have been created under President Obama. Because you know—conservatives are the jobs creators.

13.  You might be a conservative if you still believe climate change is a myth, even though 2015 was the hottest year on record. And the second hottest? 2014. It almost looks like a trend, no?

14. You might be a conservative if you still believe Republicans are the party of national security and Democrats are the party of appeasement. Even though it was the Republicans who bungled the invasion of Afghanistan, who let Osama bin Laden slip through their fingers, spent trillions tearing apart Iraq searching for nonexistent WMDs, turned the Iraqi high command and Republican Guards loose (with their weapons, who we’re now fighting today reincarnated as ISIS, thank you very much), and handed the smoldering mess over to his successor to deal with, which he has, as best any president can with a conservative, obstructionist Congress.

15. You just might be a conservative if you actually believe the only reason we finally caught up with Osama bin Laden was because the “Bush administration put all the pieces in place,” even though they did no such thing. Or you believe Barack Obama has a helluva’ lot of nerve taking credit for that operation when it was the Navy SEALs who should get the credit. All Obama did was shuffle papers. Fair enough. But I seem to recall back in 2003 when our troops dragged Saddam Hussein out of that spider hole and everyone from Jerry Bremer to Bill Kristol to Donald Rumsfeld to Dick Cheney to George W. Bush himself did their little victory dance, we never once heard them say “No, no, we don’t deserve the credit for catching Saddam, it was the troops! Thank the troops! All we did was shuffle papers.”
Hypocrisy: If it weren’t for that simple noun, today’s conservatism might actually be worthy of respect.

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