15 ways to tell if you might be a conservative.
1. You might be a conservative if you roared with laughter when the RNC ran their anti-Obama “He’s a celebrity” ad campaign eight years ago that compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears. Yet today, you’re perfectly willing to send a man to the White House whose crowning achievement is that he once hosted a reality TV show.
2. You’re a strong defender of the Constitution. Except of course, for that whole “no religious test” nonsense, and the fact that the SCOTUS ruled on the constitutionality of a woman’s right to determine her own healthcare choices over 4 decades ago which you still haven’t accepted. You believe these are imprecise and need further scrutiny. The 2nd Amendment however, is sacrosanct! It’s exactly as the founders intended it. Because… Guns.
3. You might be a conservative if you believe George W. Bush kept us safe and Barack Obama hasn’t.
4. You believe Barack Obama should be impeached for re-establishing relations with Cuba, because they’re Commies. But when Nixon went to China and Reagan met Gorbachev at Reykjavik? That was different. How was it different? Shuddup.
6. You believe America is still the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. Though you yourself lack the courage and compassion to grant a few thousand Syrian families refuge from poverty, civil war and the wrath of ISIS.
8. You never let out a peep when George W. Bush more than doubled the national debt. But when Barack Obama added 35% to it to stave off another Republican Great Depression and to pay the interest on that debt, you became apoplectic. And when he transferred the $3.5 trillion the Bush administration hid in supplementals and residuals to cover the Iraq War and the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts to the official debt figure, you conservatives immediately blamed that increase on Obama too. So did Bush increase the debt by $5T? Ostensibly, he did. And did Obama increase it by a further $8T? He did. Unless of course, if you take into account that $3.5T intentionally kept off the books during the Bush years, in which case, it flips those figures. George W. Bush, in reality, increased the debt by $8.5T, not $5T, and Obama only increased it by $4.5-$4.7T, not $8T. Fact: The alleged party of “fiscal responsibility” is responsible for 2/3rds of the $19T debt. But it’s just so fun to blame it all on the black guy.
10. You might be a conservative if you want American jobs staying within American shores. I agree. That’s very admirable. Patriotic, even. Enough of these ferinners doing the jobs we’ve always done. Period. No exceptions. Well, there was that one time, when nearly 2 million jobs in the rust belt were on the verge of vanishing seven years ago and President Obama rescued them. All together now: Socialism!
11. Another burr in conservative’s collective jockstraps is ObamaCare because it’s a “jobs killer.” Except it hasn’t been. It’s been a jobs creator. Oh, and it’s brought health care coverage to 20 million Americans and the uninsured rate is now below 10 percent or the first time in history. But keep hope alive my conservative friends! Ted Cruz has promised that on day one of his administration, he’ll stop ObamaCare in its tracks.
13. You might be a conservative if you still believe climate change is a myth, even though 2015 was the hottest year on record. And the second hottest? 2014. It almost looks like a trend, no?
14. You might be a conservative if you still believe Republicans are the party of national security and Democrats are the party of appeasement. Even though it was the Republicans who bungled the invasion of Afghanistan, who let Osama bin Laden slip through their fingers, spent trillions tearing apart Iraq searching for nonexistent WMDs, turned the Iraqi high command and Republican Guards loose (with their weapons, who we’re now fighting today reincarnated as ISIS, thank you very much), and handed the smoldering mess over to his successor to deal with, which he has, as best any president can with a conservative, obstructionist Congress.