Dr. Seuss Schools Ted Cruz on Late Night with Stephen Colbert [Video]

Cruz Grinch

Senator Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz
Russell Senate Office Bldg 404
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Ted,

I’ve been ignoring most of what’s happening with your campaign, to be honest, because I’ve known from the start that you didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the nomination. I did watch your performance on Late Night with Stephen Colbert, though — the prepared jokes went off without a hitch. Nice job.

It didn’t appear, however, that you were prepared for either a factual examination of Reagan’s presidency (which was odd, since you want America to believe you’d govern like the Gipper), or a serious conversation about same-sex marriage. You had to know that it’d come up in conversation, so your flat-footed response was stilted and confusing. Let’s review the tape.

Conservative Christians, such as yourself, Huckabee, Santorum (and the recently departed Walker and Perry) are fairly vocal when you’re among friends — holding political rallys inside America’s megachurches, for example. But when the whole country’s watching, you never seem to have the courage of your convictions.

When Stephen said “and no gay marriage,” an Old Testament-believin’, snake-handlin’, inerrant Bible-lovin’, church-goin’ preacher’s son would have testified “… because it’s a sin, Stephen!” But no — just like your selective reading of Scripture — you also have a selective reading of the U.S. Constitution.

Yes, decisions are left up to the states, if it’s not already codified into law by the Constitution. But America progressed past the original ten amendments, Senator, and wrote a few more. We decided that bit about “all men are created equal” was actually a pretty good idea, so we made it the law (and decided to include women, too). I know the Bible says something a little different, Ted, but America isn’t a theocracy, despite your best efforts.

I know you understand all this, Senator. Frankly, I expected better from a Harvard educated U.S. National Debating Champion. So I’ll put in terms that you apparently are more comfortable with, since you used this technique during your Senate filibuster of the ACA. For the record, the moral of Green Eggs and Ham is — go ahead and try new things, you might be pleasantly surprised (Obamacare is working)! And now, with apologies to Dr. Seuss:

You’re a sly one, Mr. Cruz,
You really are a heel.
You’re as prickly as a cactus,
You’re as slippery as an eel,
Mr. Cruz.

You’re a smarmy politician,
With no personal appeal.

You’re a bigot, Mr. Cruz,
Exclusion is your goal.
You claim to love the country,
but “God’s Law” still rules your soul,
Mr. Cruz.

No sane person likes you,
I know, we took a poll.

Look, I know that in Whoville they say – that Ted Cruz’s small heart could grow three sizes in a day. But not until you finally come clean with the American people and just say what’s on your mind: thinking about same-sex couples makes you feel funny inside.

You need to learn that America really is a progressive nation, where over the years we’ve learned to be more accepting and tolerant and inclusive. Each generation striving towards a day when our founder’s vision can be fully realized; a nation where ALL men and women are truly equal. If you can see it, Ted, then the true meaning of “freedom” might come shining through, and the Cruz can find the strength of ten Cruzes, plus two! I hope so — I really, really do.

You’re welcome.

About Tom Joad 122 Articles
Online activist, essayist, and political junkie on Facebook and progressive political blogs. Tell the truth — do it often. Follow me on the Twitter machine @oltomjoad.