Here’s the Way to Cure The GOP’s Donald Trump Infection

CLEVELAND CLINIC: Goodyear Satire Company–Here’s The Way To Cure The GOP’s Donald Trump Infection

A reader writes, “Dr. GOP, how can the Republican Party fight off its persistent Donald Trump infection?”

The Donald Trump infection is a relatively new strain of superbug called trumpococcus teapartius. It is highly resistent to antibiotics, facts or reason, so the body must rely on its white cells to fight off the infection.

The body politic has several white cells on which to rely. They include Christies, Rubios, Bushes, Cruzes, Romneys and Pauls. Each fights infection in a different way.

Christies and Rubios
White cells surrounding a Donald Trump invasion. Note the characteristic small hands.

Christies are one of the body politic’s main defenses against bacteria. Christies kill bacteria by ingesting them. Christies can ingest five to 20 bacteria in their lifetime. In the event the invader is too strong, Christies can absorb the invader’s DNA and turn against the body. Then they support the invader in its efforts at infection. Scientists have observed Christies in the wild shining the shoes of the successful invader in its own quest for power and food.

Another type of white cell is called a Rubio. Rubios are immature Christies. Rubios and Christies sometimes attack each other. Christies typically best Rubios, expeling them from the body politic, and sending them home to Florida to nurse their wounds. Through exposure to sunlight, the Rubios’ store of Vitamin D is replenished. Then they can join the Christies to further encourage the invader. A Secretary of Education Marco Rubio may result.

Christies devour Rubios
Christies devour repetitive Rubios

The Bush type of white cell kills parasites. Hematologists have identified a family of related Bush cells including Jebs, Georges and Old Georges. Jebs are not as effective in repelling invasions as Georges or Old Georges. and are impotent in the face of a strong or persistent infection. Jebs appear to commit cellicide and remove themselves from circulation. It is unknown what happens to them after they write their memoirs. Please clap.

Although Cruzes are not well understood, they also function in allergic reactions. Cruzes release histamine (which attracts renegade white cells) and heparin (which prevents clotting). Their freedom to associate thus challenged, Cruzes cling to their guns, wither and die as an effective infection-fighting force.

Jebs appearing to rise before Romneys and Pauls, with Johnson in the distance
Jebs rise before Romneys and Pauls, with HAL in the distance. (2001)

Romneys enter the tissue itself, where they become 47% larger. There they can ingest bacteria throughout the body. Romneys destroy damaged and dead cells and send their jobs to China.

Christies and Romneys use many mechanisms to get to and kill invading organisms. Both can squeeze through tiny openings in debates. They are attracted to chemicals produced by the immune system or residue found on twenty dollar bills. They kill bacteria by completely surrounding the bacteria and digesting them with enzymes.

If they fail to kill the bacteria, the bacteria develops immunity to all types of white cells except Klans and Neos. These are white cells that encourage, rather than discourage, infection and chaos.

Renegade Klans and Neos. Magnification 20,000
Renegade Klans (blue and white) and Neos (yellow). Magnification 20,000

The trumpococcus teapartius infection takes over in the absence of a strong challenge from the body’s establishment. The infection effectively destroys the body politic, leaving its institutional legacy in tatters.

This can only happen if the established white cells allow the body to be corrupted. The Romneys, Cruzes and their helper cells the Ryans could join the Christies and Rubios and all mistakenly support the invader by attacking a common foe, when the real enemy to the viability of the body is the invader itself.

After four years of a Donald Trump infection, the GOP establishment will no longer exist.

A victorious Trump invasion. Note the absence of establishment whites.
A victorious Trump invasion. The absence of white establishment cells is clear.

Pauls are complex cells used to direct the body’s immune system. White cells called Pauls come in two types, Ronocytes (called R cells) and Randocytes (called D cells). The D cells lose power rather quickly.

When both R and D cells are depleted, Independent Johnsons emerge and quickly become the established cells’ preferred method of reasserting systemic control.Independent Johnsons challenge the invader, finally vanquishing it and rebranding the Independent Johnson as the body politic. Thus, the body controls the infection and the invader is reduced to filing bankruptcy to wipe out his campaign debt.

Blood in the water after Trump bankruptcy #5 (illustration)
Blood in the water after Donald Trump bankruptcy #5 (illustration)

An alternative strategy is to encourage the growth of a new strain of antibiotics called democratus partius such as the Hillarius or a Bernius varieties. Either can defeat the trumpococcus teapartius by synthesizing policy and goals if properly supported. While both have shown promise, if one fails, we should unhesitatingly rely on the other.  If we fail to do so, trumpococcus teapartius will likely prevail and morph in unpredictable ways.

Thanks for your great question!

Dr. GOP

Photo credits:

Cover photo Multidrug-resistant Klebsiella pneumoniaeand neutrophil.bmp.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AMultidrug-resistant_Klebsiella_pneumoniaeand_neutrophil.bmp.jpg By David Dorward; Ph.D.; National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (http://phil.cdc.gov/phil/details.asp) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Monocytes, a type of white blood cell (Giemsa stained).jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AMonocytes%2C_a_type_of_white_blood_cell_(Giemsa_stained).jpg By Dr Graham Beards [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Staph aureus outside a white blood cell https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AStaph_aureus_outside_a_white_blood_cell.jpg  By National Institutes of Health (NIH) (National Institutes of Health (NIH)) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Red, White Blood cells.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3ARed_White_Blood_cells.jpg By Electron Microscopy Facility at The National Cancer Institute at Frederick (NCI-Frederick) ([1]) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

White blood cell with MRSA.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AWhite_blood_cell_with_MRSA.jpg By National Institutes of Health (NIH) (National Institutes of Health (NIH)) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Blood cells 090304-F-5951M-108.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3ABlood_cells_090304-F-5951M-108.jpg By U.S. Air Force photo/Airman 1st Class Laura Max. [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Staphylococcus aureus bacteria escape.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AStaphylococcus_aureus_bacteria_escape.jpg By =(Credit: NIAID/RML) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Red blood cells illustration.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3ARed_blood_cells_illustration.jpg By Donald Bliss (Illustrator) [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

About Marty Rudoy 54 Articles
Marty Rudoy has written for tv shows, major comedians and a former President (Bush I). He's a former stand-up comic working out of the IMPROV in New York and is now published by AmericanNewsX, The Huffington Post and an east coast satire site, What Exit NJ. Marty doesn't know why he's writing this in the third person but he thanks you for reading. Oh, and he's also a lawyer who frequently writes on legal and criminal justice issues.