While it’s highly unlikely that Republican presumptive nominee Donald J. Trump will land his top vice-presidential pick as researchers have yet to master the science of human cloning, he assures us that his running mate will never-the-less possess the noteworthy credentials of being a big, big winner, just fantastic, and not a loser.
In keeping with the teachings of The McCain School of Imprudent VP Picks, on Wednesday The Donald floated the names of two candidates who he believes, by virtue of possessing lady parts, are likely to give him a bump with women in the race against likely Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
During a Fox News interview with Greta Van Susteren, when asked if there were women among his short-list of candidates, he said some words:
Well, also Jan. Jan Brewer has been fantastic. She has been so fantastic. You know I won so big, her territory, we won so big. And she is a fabulous woman. And I agree with you, the governor of Oklahoma, fabulous person.
As I’m not fully fluent in “Jersey Used Car Salesman,” I can only hypothesize that these utterances are to be interpreted to mean that he is giving VP consideration to “so-fantastic, fabulous” former Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer and “fabulous-person” Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin. Upon close analysis, one might conclude that Jan Brewer ranks superior between the two candidates, as she is noted as both “fantastic” and “fabulous,” while Mary Fallin is merely “fabulous,” yet, it’s difficult to know, so watch here (VP talk at 11:45) and decide for yourself:
The folly of gender politics notwithstanding, Trump has not ruled out non-lady-parted candidates, stating that his shortlist has been narrowed to “five or six or seven, maybe”— perchance the universe of those who did not decisively turn and haul ass to preserve their own political futures. When asked whether Chris Christie had prostrated himself sufficiently to remain in The Donald’s favor, Trump gave a — surprise! — semi-coherent, non-response:
I don’t want to say ‘in there,’ but he’s helping me and he was an early endorsement and a very enthusiastic one and he’s a friend of mine and a very good guy and a talented guy and he’s helping us a lot.
Could it be that Christie made the shift from bully to bootlicker for nothing? Excuse me for a minute while I’m not sad. What is sad, however, is that former House Speaker and professional wife-dumper Newt Gingrich is being discussed as a potential ticket-mate, and if Ivanka weren’t Trump’s daughter, perhaps he’d even give her a try.
But back to the ladies at hand… On the genius stroke that either Jan Brewer or Mary Fallin would flawlessly complement his orangeness in the run-up to the November election and beyond, I can’t help but agree. Who better than the perfectly delightful anti-immigration zealot Jan Brewer to strengthen the platform of a fear-mongering, rampant xenophobe? Or Gov. Fallin, who, just this very week, was named one of the country’s ten least popular governors to help sink the campaign of a candidate whose popularity is already lower than head lice?
Who better to hand-deliver keys to the White House to the Democratic nominee?
Oh, The Donald, winning picks all around, sir!
From the bottom of my left-leaning, liberal, hippie heart… I thank you.
Featured Image: via Flickr.com