Breaking: Donald Trump Might Quit Race For Republican Party’s 2016 Nomination (Satire)

Sources from the Trump campaign headquarters have officially announced that Mr. Trump will be holding an emergency news conference¬†later this evening, at which point he will officially withdraw his 2016 bid for the Presidency. This is definitely shocking news, especially considering the fact that early voting for the primaries begins in just a few more weeks. What’s even more mind boggling about Trump camp’s recent announcement is how consistently well he has been polling for almost his entire campaign.

Of course, one can only speculate as to what exactly the real reason for Trump’s withdrawal from the race might be, especially after he has already dropped a small fortune on his campaigning efforts. Rest assured though, I have sat down and pondered each and every possible scenario which might lead Trump to throw in the towel and I believe that I have narrowed it down to only four definite possibilities. –

Scenario A).
That hairy, furry, weird looking little critter that dwells on top “the Donald’s” head could have finally been declared an endangered species by the National Wildlife Federation. In turn, Donald Trump being the poor creature’s only known natural habitat, could not possibly serve America in such a public manner as is required of our Commander in Chief on a regular basis. Therefore, America’s number 1 priority must be to ensure the overall health and well being of that fugly little fur-ball that Trump pretends is growing right out of his head. I say this mainly because it is possibly the last living specimen of it’s kind on earth. The American government has sworn to do everything in their power to give this newly discovered creature, the “toupee rat” a fresh start and hopefully prevent it from ultimately going extinct.

Scenario B).
Donald Trump has been completely mesmerized by the sheer intellect and utter genius of fellow Republican Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson. Donald Trump has always been a somewhat intelligent person among the ignorant bigots and illiterate teabillies who the rest of America considers to be his peers. That being said, sources report that each and every time Trump hears Carson speak on any given topic, he apparently learns volumes of otherwise useless information, every single time that the former brain surgeon opens his ill-informed mouth. Hell, until last month Trump had no idea that U.S. troops have been fighting against a savory sandwich spread made from ground chick peas,¬† otherwise known as “Hummus,” for nearly the past decade.

Scenario C).
Trump has finally come to the realization that he must have entered the wrong race when he originally announced his candidacy. “Saint Donny” has apparently confused this election for the equally as competitive political race for the coveted position of “village idiot.” That is a position for which Donald Trump has spent an entire lifetime preparing to perform, because Trump is to American politics what cyanide is to the human body.

Scenario D).
Donald Trump recently signed a deal with an undisclosed major television network to star in yet another reality show called “The Idiot Whisperer” and has already agreed to doing the first three seasons. Apparently after seeing how much of successful run at the g.o.p. primaries Mr. Trump has had recently, a few of the major network executives contacted Mr. Trump and told him “we couldn’t honestly picture any other person in portraying this role.”

News of Trump dropping out of this race not only brought a smile to my face, but also to the faces of world leaders across the globe who, otherwise would be dealing with virtually endless floods of x-American citizens immigrating to their Countries if Trump did somehow win the Presidency this November. I myself was even planning on relocating my loved ones to a tropical paradise such as Belize if Trump somehow became President. Trump in the Oval Office would more than likely be the straw that breaks the Camel’s back in terms of the corporate takeover of America. The Owners of Major Corporations have definitely begun to take root here in the U.S. and electing someone like Donald Trump to the highest office in the land would undoubtedly be a signal that the right wing’s not so secret agenda is almost completed.

Note from the author:
Click here to see my list of sources for this article.

While everything written in the story above is 100% plausible and loosely based on fact, this is a satirical take on the joke that is the Trump campaign. Nothing you read has actually taken place, although, in a just world this story would undoubtedly be the furthest thing from a work of fiction. Unfortunately, we do not live in anything even remotely close to a just world, so I fabricated this story from inside the dark, dusty corners of my own brain, because I know that most days I take life way too seriously and could always benefit from a good laugh. I hope the comedic value of this post does not get misinterpreted as anything other than a decently told work of fiction, but if the average American was anything near intelligent the Trump campaign would have never gained as much momentum as it unfortunately has.

About Walter Pinkman 165 Articles
Walt is a grumpy, crochety, ball busting, bitter old son of a bitch - who at the ripe old age of 64 has had enough with the manner in which the G.O.P. has been treating the only nation that he calls home. Walt is a native New Yorker, retired long-line fisherman and therefore a bit rough around the edges, he is completely pissed off with the state of the American political circus that has been created by the right-wing.Last year Walter finally decided (against his better judgement) to begin voicing his brash and uncensored opinions across the vast expanse of the internet. Walter claims that his reason for getting involved in political commentary so late in life is that he has finally realized the fact that if he doesn't voice his opinion, he has no right to complain. If this writing stuff pans out decently, Walter's next order of business is retiring someplace "tropical with plenty of nude beaches" (thanx Walter, now I need to bleach that image from my brain)opin , blech!

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