Christmas season can be a difficult and time-consuming affair for anyone and if you are living on a budget because your favorite Republicans haven’t raised the minimum wage or put you on unemployment from budget cuts, you might need a hand filling the stocking this year. We here at ANX would like to offer you a wise and considered choice when buying Holliday presents for your favorite Republicans.
#5 Is Mortdecai. Have you been assaulted with endless straw-man arguments like, “spoons kill people. Are you going to outlaw those too?” from your snobby Republican uncle who will never shut up about Ronnie Raygun and the injustice of him not being put on Mt. Rushmore but you’re afraid of raising further unnecessary ire? How does two-hours of water-boarding torture sound? We’re here to help.
Mortdecai is a stunningly awful movie starring Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow. Both stars usually are in top shelf movies and this one has Johnny playing an art dealer that’s lost a painting that’s (SPOILER ALERT) in the headliner of his car. I once witnessed a self-flagellation ceremony in Spain on Ash Wednesday where believers were beating their backs bloody which would be a more enjoyable experience than sitting through 2 hours of this awful turd. It’s truly on a level of terrible that sets a new standard heretofore unseen. This movie makes Gigli and Troll 3 look like Academy Award winning films. They’ll love it because it’s snobby and Brittish and you can enjoy knowing how truly terrible it is and that they will never get it. Speaking of turds.
#4 is a large bag of steaming filet mignon for dogs i.e. cat shit. Are you tired of the endless taunts about being a moocher from your Republican neighbors? Do they already have Trump 2016 signs posted in their yard? It’s the low-cost alternative to explosives and they’ll surely have a hearty laugh if you tell them it’s Gourmet Swedish chocolate bars and blame socialism for failing quality control.
#3 a science book (not one from Texas). Help your drunk uncle fill in the gaps of his knowledge with something other than “gawd-didit”. As a bonus, it may help him understand why Frosty the Snowman doesn’t disprove climate change.
#2 Are you really concerned about the health of your favorite republican in a hover round and can’t quite find a work out tape that will help them shed some extra pounds but your Obamacheck won’t cover the cost of a Weight Watcher’s membership? Send them a complimentary membership to the youtube sensation Catfish Cooley and enjoy watching them doing cartwheels after imbibing a lot of bourbon. Just make sure it isn’t that Tennessee hick shine.
#5 Tired of the incessant racists remarks coming through your feed from your favorite terrible Republican and want to help them out with a very useful instructional video that will bring you endless amusement as you think about a republican watching a black dude practicing the art of eating a peach? Send them this because surely you jest!
Or you can stick with old faithful and send them a card wishing them a Happy Kwanza.