It was half past coffee o’clock when I was aroused by the blaring news on MSNBC that the Tweeter-in-chief was in the midst of yet another meltdown about the greatest witch hunt the world has ever known, when Lee Jansing broke in to say words that I never thought would ever be said before our sun turned into a supernova and extincted all life on this planet: “Roger Ailes is dead.”
Like a lot of people, I was convinced that the Grim Reaper had retired from taking the very worst of us across the river Styx because it seems even he is afraid of certain evil bastards. With The likes of Pat Robertson, Bill O’Reilly, and Trump still in apparently good health, running freely on the fruited airwaves, so, one could call the Angel of Death a pussy and not be wrong. Such creatures can put any sentient being into a crisis of faith which would have anyone questioning, “why God? Why do you let such men live and let Chris Cornell die?” The very valuable service that men like Ailes provide to an atheist like myself is to prove beyond any question that there are soulless demons concealing their scaly hides under a humanoid skin-suit on this good earth.
You can almost imagine the kind of gala Satan’s imps are preparing in hell to welcome one of Lucifer’s prodigal sons. Jerry Falwell will emcee with Reagan and Nixon cooking up aborted fetuses on the grill with some awful Tennessee barbecue sauce to welcome a man who was responsible for propaganda so nauseatingly outrageous that it would make Joseph Goebbels blush.
Ailes was a beast of a man, an obese monster. Born somewhere in the primordial ooze flowing out of a sewer in Warren Ohio. Sensing that this one might be a mistake, the good lord smited Ailes with hemophilia, which sadly took 77 long years to finally kill him to the everlasting joy of poor Gretchen Carleson. Ailes managed to live through the 1980s without getting HIV from the blood-clotting serum Factor 8 like 95% of the hemophiliacs who died from it. “Some say” that Ailes was just lucky while “others” say — with some authority on the matter — that he made a deal with a Haitian witch doctor working on behalf of the Dark Lord to furnish him with spleens from stillborn babies that he could eat like goose liver paté. The spleens would keep him alive if he drowned enough kittens as sacrifice and he did, prodigiously, with glee.
Ailes was a man who never suffered from a lack of ambition. There are media pundits saying Ailes was a maverick, that he changed the media landscape, which is true in the same way a bull changes an ant hill with one carelessly placed patty. After his disastrous performance against Senator Kennedy in their televised debate, that crook Nixon enlisted Ailes to help teach him the ropes in the new television medium. Ailes was happy to oblige the former vice-president as he saw an opportunity to advance in the world, which he did when Nixon finally slithered into the White House. He brought Ailes in with him and the world is forever worse for it.
They were birds of a feather cut from the same bilge-rat cloth. If Ailes had any shadow of ethics or morals in his fat corpse, the gravitas of the morally bankrupt black hole that was Richard Milhous Nixon consumed them. Ailes hated the ‘liberal’ media with the same passion Nixon had. He hated the ‘liberal’ elite and intellectuals he thought were destroying his party with that whole ‘education’ thing. Nobody did more to destroy those things and the American dream than Roger Ailes.
Make no mistake, he was the worst of us, pure human garbage, an American Rasputin if you will. After Rupert Murdoch hired him to build Fox News, Ailes set about completing the job his hero Reagan began which was to fistfuck the American middle class by getting every half-witted Republican stooge he could get elected that would continue with the supply-side economics that has crippled us as a nation by making us servile to the monstrous national debt. He did more to advance and win a class war than any human being in history. He was evil incarnate.
He was everything wrong with a toxic male patriarchy because he flourished in it like a mushroom in shit. He was a grotesque glutton who couldn’t satiate his sexual deviancy without threatening the careers of women he employed. He was a relic of the Mad Men era where women were the servants of male sexual desire. He was scum of the lowest order.
There is nobody more directly responsible for the Trump presidency than that portly simian goon. His name will forever live in infamy and the only monument to such an evil man will be the gruesome theme park bearing his name, in hell.
HL Mencken famously said, “I have never wished death on anyone but I have read certain obituaries with a lot of satisfaction.” Sadly, most of us will be robbed of the opportunity to piss on Ailes’ grave. Ailes died in Boca Raton after falling. An inglorious death, that might have been prevented if he had a life alert, which seems apt for the steaming pile of shit that he was. He died a disgraced fat white man and if there’s any such thing as justice in this world, history will treat him with the same contempt he and Nixon treated the earth.
Roger Ailes is dead. The world is more just because of it. He was the bubonic plague of American politics. If there is a hell, you may rest assured that he’s burning in it.