In a craftily tailored and epic thought-seizure, Sarah Palin has taken a job as the next TV reality “Judge Judy.” Though lacking in any skills or intelligence to be put in any position of power, and certainly not in deciding the fate of others, Sarah revealed her reasons for taking the new position.
“Well, I tell ya, I was sick of those liberal, gotcha judges, with their black robes and ear lobes, always dishin’ out the law on the wrong side of what’s good and wholesome in America. I took this here job to ensure that the next time pigs fly, they’re flying with American eagles and bringing opened-eyed justice to my fellow Americans and especially my kin.”
When pressed further to clarify her reasons, she expressed a desire to overturn the recent custody battle judgments against both her daughter, Bristol and her son, Track, who both lost cases regarding their children.
“If there’s one thing we Palin’s know…” she said before losing her train of thought after noticing a squirrel across the courtyard, “Oh yah…is that if MY kids had been in MY court, things would have worked out a lil’ different.”
Despite what would obviously be a conflict of interest, Palin went on to say, “It’s gettin’ to be where the liberal media attacks you for everything. How can this be our America where you can’t smack people around at parties when you need to let off a little steam. That doesn’t make you a bad parent, for heaven’s sake. That just means you’re ‘high spirited!’”
Sarah also recalled her recent brush with Donald Trump and what the relationship could mean for the future.
“Well, I don’t wanna be tellin’ any tales out of school because I didn’t get too far in school, but let’s just say that we feel the same way about ‘merica and liberties and squirmishes, so he’s promised me a special place in his administration. Now, if I were a bettin’ gal, ya betcha, I think this job and the experience I’ll have bangin’ gavels and watchin’ cases unravel will set me up for that next big court job. That’s right…Supreme Court Justice Palin!” she yelled, throwing her fists up into the air like a soccer mom watching her kid win the game.
When asked how she would stand up against liberal judges like Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Sonia Sotomayor, Palin said, “I know for sure I can take that lil’ gal, Ginsberg, but might have to go all out “Alaskan Bar Brawl” with that Mexican Senorita. Besides, we’ll just deport her back there to Mexico and then get her and some muchachos to build that wall to keep her over there and out of our justice system.”
Having spoken out against the recent rulings of the Supreme Court and calling for impeachments, Sarah offered these final words.
“We’ve got to overturn those anti-God, anti-marriage, anti-segregation, baby killin’ laws they’ve been hammerin’ down our throats. If we can’t impeach them like I’ve been sayin’ all along, well, by golly, I’ll strike a blow from the inside and we’ll “IMPREACH” them…lettin’ ’em see the light of God and the light of day and havin’ our way, ‘cause I’m here to stay.”