Amazon Sells Spoiled Milk For $185/gallon. The Reviews Are Priceless.

By now you’ve probably seen our coverage of the hilarious reviews on amazon.com of Trump’s “Make America Great Again” Christmas ornaments. When it comes to lampooning ridiculous ideas, Amazon’s user reviews keep us all in stitches. And one of their all-time best is for mail-order gallons of whole milk.

Fresh mail order milk, delivered sometime in the next month.

This seller is offering 5-year-old milk via mail order at the bargain price of $185 for one gallon.

Mail Order Milk

 

Amazon users didn’t hold back, with over 1900 reviews for this mail order disaster.

A treasure trove of user questions.

QuestionIf I spill it, can I cry?
Answer: If you do it is best to cry either next to it or below it. Crying over it is useless.

Question: Isn’t milk highly perishable? Is this irradiated and shipped warm? Does it really hold up? This stuff won’t kill me outright will it?
Answer: Not outright, but I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you.

QuestionI see that they sell “Used & New from: $45.00” – How can they sell “Used” Milk? Used as a car wax? Used as a paint thinner, or… something else?

Questiondoes it come from cows?
Answer: No, it comes from an elegant 1 gallon plastic milk jug.

QuestionI see this product has no artificial growth hormones in it – how many real growth hormones are there though?
Answer: Let’s just say I no longer need that boob job….

The reviews for buying milk by mail order are side splitters.

By C on November 10, 2016
Tuscan Milk was really there for me on election night. It took all 128oz to prepare me for Making America Great Again.

By Marcellus Cunningham on August 18, 2016
Does selling milk over the Web mean that our nation’s next generation of illegitimate children will be fathered by the FedEx man?

By Kathryn Sebti on August 16, 2016
Me love Tuscan milk. How could Me eat cookie without glass of Tuscan milk? Me can only make through full day of teaching kids good health and grammar with Tuscan milk… and cookie. Ok. Bye. Num num num num…

By Jiutmg miopp on August 8, 2016
I highly recommend this product. After years of failure putting cows through my Juiceman, Tuscan Whole Milk has come out with a product that not only looks like milk, but actually is milk. I have no idea how they’ve done it, but surely there is a patent on their brilliant process. The best I could ever hope to get was a pulpy red mess with chips of bone and some fur.

By Mya Jones on August 1, 2016
I drank my Tuscan milk on a Monday. By Tuesday, I was able to tell jokes in languages I don’t even know. People told me I had been the life of parties that I hadn’t even attended. My words began to carry a weight that would break the jaw of lesser men. I totally aced a Rorschach test. … Stay thirsty, my friends

By M. McLaughlin on May 8, 2009
Be advised this product comes in only one color….WHITE.
What’s the matter Tuscan Whole Milk? Afraid of a little color in your life? It’s a different world now with President Obama in the “Whitehouse”. Even Eggs are available in Brown.

By K. Peterson on November 30, 2006
This product gave me diarrhea. My brother got cholera, my mom got the measles and my sister broke her arm. Soon after, we lost a wagon wheel and a thief stole 3 oxen.

By J. Laury on November 4, 2009
I was born without bones. Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz changed that. Just one jug of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz and I now have a skeleton much like any other person, granted I spend my nights feeding on the blood of innocents, but I have bones now. Yay me.

By Ellie on December 21, 2013
Tuscan Whole Milk,1 Gallon, 128 fl oz arrived but the instructions weren’t clear enough.

By M. Bonheim< on December 16, 2010
They really need to put a warning label on this thing. Apparently, if you put it into your body, it turns into urine. Urine! F’n Nasty. If something is going to turn into urine, they really should warn you about it. There should be a law or something, the “This Is Going To Turn Into Urine Law.” It would have saved me a lot of heartache, because now I have no Tuscan Whole Milk, just a bunch of urine.

By Ariel Krieger on December 21, 2013
My wife gave birth to our first born in a bathtub filled with Tuscan Whole Milk, she felt no pain at any stage.
He is now 5 years old and completing his PhD in quantum bio-mechanics.

By Lester Moore on October 16, 2013
…but it’s the same Bantha milk those detestable raiders have been peddling for years.I will never forgive them for what they did to the family. Who do you think you’re fooling Tuscans?

By Houston Aggie on December 12, 2006
This stuff is amazing! I ordered some the other day and selected express shipping so the total was like $35.00 for a gallon of milk, but it has changed my life. My once bald head is now covered in thick, Fabio-like hair, my impotence is cured, I no longer have vertigo, dementia, incontinence, ringing ears, depression, psychosis, post-nasal drip, explosive diarrhea, herpes, or the plague. Thank you Tuscan Milk!! I am totally getting this for my wife for Christmas.

By JP on October 3, 2009
This milk was spoiled by the time it arrived. The Kindle version gets delivered quicker. Buy that instead.

By Turph on January 8, 2007
I have painted all the ceilings in my apartment with Tuscan Whole Milk – and they never looked better! Only downside is the opening is just so damn small. You can only use a very very tiny brush. Please Tuscan, wide mouth jugs!

By Shu the Moody on January 9, 2008
Beware! I poured the milk into my MacBook Pro’s firewire port and immediately got a kernal panic. I tried again on my iMac and got the same result. Come on, Tuscan, get with it!

And the winner, by far, is “The Kitten”

By Edgar on July 8, 2008.
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door –
Only this, and nothing more.’

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore –
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore –
Purg’ed here for evermore.

And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door –
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door –
I resolved to have some more.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
‘This,’ said I, ‘requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.’
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle – here I opened wide the door; –
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of many Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, ‘No more!’
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core –
Merely this and nothing more.

Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
‘Surely,’ said I, ‘surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore –
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; –
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’

From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor –
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o’er my dining floor –
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.

Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, ’til I said, ‘Well, hello, kitty!’
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, ‘Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!’
Quoth the kitten, ‘Get some more.’

About Charlie Barrel 106 Articles
Charlie has been writing news, opinion, and spoof pieces on politics off and on since 1994. In between gigs, he's a stand-up philosopher.