GOP Staffers Choose Between Norovirus or Trumporrhea

Multiple news agencies are reporting that 13 staffers to the California delegation at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland came down with norovirus during the first days of the convention.  Norovirus is a highly contagious intestinal disease that causes days of intense abdominal cramping, projectile vomiting and diarrhea.

It begs the question, how lucky were those staffers for getting free passes to miss the convention?  Spending two days hugging the toilet might very well have been preferable to being trapped in the Quicken Loans arena as Ben Carson impersonated the Swedish Chef, for example. Or that Rush cover band that could only be graciously described as strangling cats.

Not to minimize norovirus, by the way.

It’s bad news, as anyone who has eaten a taco bowl from Trump Towers can tell you.

Did you know the name “norovrius” comes from Norwalk, Ohio, where it was discovered in 1972?  That’s just 10 miles from the Kalahari Resort, where the ill staffers have been staying.  Fortunately, the rooms at the Kalahari all have 32-inch flat-screen TVs with basic cable.  It’s a good bet that binge-watching QVC, or rocking in the fetal position after 20 minutes of dry heaving, was loads more fun than the litany of D-list headliners Trump trotted out.

An underwear model calling Obama a muslim and a washed up 80’s actor tweeting out pictures calling Clinton a see-you-next-tuesday?  Seriously?  What happened to big names, like Clint Eastwood, talking to a chair?

But it was nice of Trump to invite Antonio Sabato, to show how much he still loves Hispanics.  Oh no wait, he’s Italian.  Close enough.  Plus, he was cheaper than a giant Hillary Clinton piñata filled with mini bottles of leftover Trump vodka from when it went under 5 years ago.

Those staffers probably all came to Cleveland with big hopes.  Big, like Trump’s hands.  Hopes, for the pomp, glamour, and spectacle of nominating the American folk hero who brought the world Trump Mortgage, Trump University, and Trump Airlines.

But instead of bathing for 72 hours in glorious Trumporrhea, they got 72 hours of non-stop diarrhea.  And vomiting.  Don’t forget that part.  Oh, and cramps.  Bad cramps.

And it’s entirely possible that they got the better end of the deal.


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