Cyber Monday Hillarity: Canned Unicorn, Uranium, Emergency Underpants

In the midst of all of Amazon’s week-long Cyber Monday extravaganza, here are a few must-haves that you never knew you needed. And hilarious user reviews to keep you in stitches.

Canned Unicorn Meat

Tired of Spam and Vienna Sausages? Then try the latest in processed foods, Radiant Farms’ Unicorn Meat, for a mere $13.69. That’s $2.49 per ounce for cyber monday rainbow magic!

From the manufacturer: Rick Bite Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don’t know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn’s coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet composed entirely of candy corn. As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn’s outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of sumptuous unicorn meat.

But buyers beware, the image on the front is only a serving suggestion. You will have to bone up (pun intended) on your butchering skills before preparing your magical meal. The manufacturer recommends you “simply use your Growth Ray to re-embiggen the unicorn before skinning it and processing its flesh.” Unfortunately, the Growth Rays aren’t included in Cyber Monday sales.

Here’s what users have to say.

By Irma Gerd on May 10, 2013
Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams.

By Amazon Customer on July 9, 2013
The installation instructions were totally wrong. I ended up with pieces of unicorn all over the place and my nose caught in the DVD player. Again.

By V. Zhirinovsky on April 21, 2012
Don’t order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the Pegasus ranches. Don’t believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead.

By mark e on June 13, 2013
I was pleasantly surprised by the unicorn meat, even though canned. it is more tender than the centaur I’ve had, and far less stringy than faun. My only concern is that after feeding it to my infant son, his diaper was filled with skittles.

Uranium Ore

For a mere $39.95, you too can own your very own custom can of uranium and make Cyber Monday live up to its name by reanimating everything in your house. It even comes marked with the number of particles per second it emits.

Here’s what users have to say.

By Jammer on July 17, 2014
Magic stuff. Been taking 1 spoon a day for 3 weeks. I can now type this review using all 12 fingers.

By Kyle J. Von Bose on January 21, 2009
I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems… The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was buying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision Sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grilled cheese sandwich maker.

By Ellya on August 23, 2014
I got a free cat in the box with this purchase but I’m not sure if I should open it to see if the cat is ok.

By Brett on January 25, 2014
This is NOT, repeat, NOT a woman from the Ukraine. Very disappointed but can only blame myself. Please read description when sober.

By Lawrence Gonzalez on August 23, 2014
I left this product next to my pet lizard, unfortunately now he’s 350 ft tall now and is currently destroying Tokyo, Japan.

By Thomas G. Jacomet on August 23, 2014
Mixed this in with rose fertilizer and have blooms nearly one foot in diameter! Drawback is I can’t cut them as they growl at me whenever I get near them with the scissors…and they’ve eaten several small birds and a stray kitten…

Emergency Underpants

“Better safe than sorry” says the product description. “Carry these emergency underpants just in case an unwanted emergency comes up. Remember, no one wants to be walking in soiled pants. Just imagine all the embarrassment. Emergency underpants are packaged in a small container so no one will know that you are carrying them.”  Just $7.50 buys you one-size-fits-all peace of mind that’s no bigger than a mini-mint tin.
For Cyber Monday: Emergency Underpants

Here’s what real users have to say.

By Timboliah PantsOnFiyah on December 18, 2010
As a rookie Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) I encounter my fair share of ’emergencies.’ (Duh! The word “Emergency” is in my job title.) During my first gear inspection, the Lieutenant asked me if I was wearing what he referred to as ‘standard issue’ emergency underpants under my uniform. I admitted that I was unaware of the requirement having only briefly skimmed the handbook the night before. He reached into his briefcase and pulled out several packets of these Emergency Underpants. Handing them to me, he instructed that prior to going on any calls, I was to put these on. All of my more senior peers nodded in agreement and acted like I was a bit dim-witted for not knowing about them…  Wear them in good health. And consider buying some Desidin cream to go with them.

By P. Spaceman on December 23, 2010
I cannot sing the praises of Emergency Underpants enough. These have quite literally saved my life on many an occasion, and I owe everything I have to them. It all started late 2002, as I had just gotten home from a long day of slaving away at my job. I had passed out cold on the couch, when the oven I had forgotten to turn off earlier suddenly filled the house with deadly gas! Luckily, I had a packet of Emergency Underpants in my pocket. The brave underpants dragged me from my home, my 2 cats, and even called 911 for help. But that’s not all! On many separate occasions, Emergency Underpants have:
– Performed CPR on my mother
– Saved a school of orphans after their boat sank
– Rescued 235 stray dogs
– Brought my dead grandmother back to life for Christmas
– Single-handedly stopped a 5-alarm apartment fire using only 1 gallon of Tuscan Milk
– Saved the life of at least 3 Presidents from yacht accidents/pretzel mishaps
Need I say more?

By ezbz on July 29, 2013
These are the best invention since the “Sham WOW!”. They are perfect for every important occasion in your life. For instance, you wouldn’t want to go out on a date without som backup undies would you? Or for the times when you choose to eat Chipotle! They are a favorite for the holidays or just hanging around. Take them on vacation, they take up hardly any space at all compared to standard underpants (unless you are Brazilian). But wait! If you order in the next 10 minutes, we will throw in a Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer! That’s right! These two things will make your life complete! Don’t wait, order NOW!

By rj on May 12, 2014
My mother always told me to have clean underwear in case I am in an accident. These fit the bill perfectly. I am going to get an inscription on my medic alert bracelet to make sure these are put on me if I am ever in an accident

All of us here at American News X wish you the very best for surviving Cyber Monday with a smile.

Up next, the top-ten list of things the Trump Foundation wants to buy with your donations on Giving Tuesday.

About Charlie Barrel 168 Articles
Charlie has been writing news, opinion, and spoof pieces on politics off and on since 1994. In between gigs, he's a stand-up philosopher.