Republican Hopes For Email Indictment Dashed As FBI Turns Up Nothing

No indictment against Hillary Clinton as FBI nears the close of their investigation having found nothing.

Pity the poor Republican Party. Scandal is it’s drug of choice. Now that its losing the Hillary Clinton’s email scandal as its Cause célèbre, the GOP needs a new drug.

Without that drug and the frequent high scandal brings, its increasingly difficult for the GOP to motivate average joes to vote for millionaire candidates pushing policies that primarily benefit billionaires.

Indeed, all of the GOP establishment candidates this year turned out to be placebos, while the real motivators were Donald Trump’s hate of everything non-Donald-Trump, bakers who didn’t want to bake gay wedding cakes and constipated North Carolinians who didn’t want LGBT people in the next stall.

Cake Topper for a Gay Wedding
Cake Topper for a Gay Wedding


It was much ado about nothing from the start.  Republican Secretaries of State had used their own email systems for so long, the GOP didn’t even notice Clinton had no state department email address until August 2014, two years after their witch hunt investigation began.

Hillary Clinton testifies to Benghazi Committee
Hillary Clinton testifies to the House Benghazi Committee

It’s looking less and less likely that Clinton will be charged with any crimes at all as a result of the email scandal. CNN reports the FBI has nearly completed its 9-month-long investigation and has found “no evidence of criminal wrongdoing.”  They report the FBI is close to wrapping up the investigation with the final interview of Hillary Clinton, who is too smart a cookie to provide any self-incriminating evidence.

This frustrates Republicans, who have been rallying around the deaths of four Americans in Benghazi since September, 2012. When twenty-one hearings failed to stir the masses, the Republicans switched to Clinton’s emails but the partisan traction on that score it once achieved is now at an end. I knew Hillary was in trouble when my ten year old son asked me “Why is Hillary a liar?” But that’s all gone now, and all that’s left is the whiff of a failed investigation and the snark that was once its name.

John Boehner's Make-a-Meme Workshop
John Boehner’s Make-a-Meme Workshop

So what new scandals will the GOP gin up? Its hard to tell. Hillary has lived life in public since the early 1970s. She’s been investigated, probed and picked at all her adult life. She’s had more media colonoscopies than the Senate.

The Republicans have no factual basis to complain about the economy. The US is ticking ahead pretty well under President Obama despite Republican obstruction at every turn. Unemployment is under 5%. The economy is adding jobs every month. The deficit is down, spending is up. Millions more have health insurance than ever before. Emergency room doctors are no longer being used by the poor as primary care physicians.

We all know that sex sells.  So sex is what Donald Trump is peddling.  The man who once bragged that avoiding sexually transmitted diseases was his own “personal Vietnam” is shaming the victim of her husband’s sexual dalliances. This is a dog that won’t hunt for the billionaire playboy. Trump revels in turning logic upside down.

 Donald Trump at a press conference with magician David Blaine
Donald Trump at a press conference with magician David Blaine

So instead of a new drug, I suggest exorcise.

Exorcism depicted on Bronze Door at Basilica of San Zeno, Verona IT
Exorcism depicted on Bronze Door at Basilica of San Zeno, Verona IT

The Republican Party should exorcise those evil spirits that make it look away from human suffering. Drive out those demons that favor the super-rich at the expense of the super-poor. Find positive ways to solve divisions among Americans. Stop obstructing every Democrat at every turn and re-establish contact with that compromise gene. Look for win-win solutions that propel America to the stars, instead of fighting 7th Century foes. Compromise worked for the first 200 Exceptional American years.  There’s no reason it can’t work again.


Photo credits:

Cover Photo: By Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America (Hillary Clinton) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

Cake Topper By Stefano Bolognini (Own work) [GFDL (, CC-BY-SA-3.0 ( or CC BY-SA 2.5-2.0-1.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

Speaker John Boehner’s Cute Graphic’s_Benghazi_Emails.jpg  By Office of Speaker of the House John A. Boehner ( [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Hillary Clinton testifies to Benghazi Committee See page for author [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Donald Trump and David Blaine By David Shankbone (David Shankbone) [CC BY-SA 3.0 ( or GFDL (], via Wikimedia Commons

Exorcism depicted on Basilica di San Zeno Verona IT By Mattana (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

CNN video:

About Marty Rudoy 54 Articles
Marty Rudoy has written for tv shows, major comedians and a former President (Bush I). He's a former stand-up comic working out of the IMPROV in New York and is now published by AmericanNewsX, The Huffington Post and an east coast satire site, What Exit NJ. Marty doesn't know why he's writing this in the third person but he thanks you for reading. Oh, and he's also a lawyer who frequently writes on legal and criminal justice issues.

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