The governor of North Carolina today solved the state’s same-sex bathroom crisis by decreeing that all bathrooms in the state be replaced by individual outhouses.
“Then,” said Governor Pat McCrory, “I’ll never have to face the prospect of a gay whatever staring at my gubernatorial crown jewels.”
The governor, whose penis is widely rumored to be adorned with a trompe l‘oeil tattoo of a larger penis, is a fierce opponent of equal rights for lesbians, gays and transvestites because, North Carolina.
“We fully support the Governor’s move,” said high-rise developer Henry Butte. “With current technology, we can build thirty story outhouses. What we can’t do is prevent the walls from collapsing outward during a T-Rex attack on a lawyer, like in Jurassic Park.” Fortunately, those attacks are rare.
According to Heather Feldspar, transgender bathroom advocate from High Point, “The new outhouses will feature a star above the door because politicians felt the traditional crescent moon was ‘too gay.’ The outhouses for the LGBT community will feature a helpful, time-saving, colored bandana sticking out the back.”
Sally Fielding, a gay woman from Charlotte, added some historical perspective. “This is no different than a ‘Whites Only’ bathroom in the 1950s,” said Fielding. “Here it is 60 years later, and North Carolina has proven it still isn’t ready for indoor plumbing.”