Fun With Fantasy Running Mates For 2016 Presidential Candidates

So I was thinking about potential running mates for the four remaining candidates (excluding Kasich, who’s finished but hasn’t admitted it yet) when it occurred to me just what a tough time Trump and CrĀz are going to have to find someone sane to run as their Veeps. Trump needs to bolster up his cachet amongst almost every demographic other than old white alcoholic men and the Klan. Can you imagine ANY high-profile woman agreeing to run on his ticket? Or any Hispanic? Unless you’re a complete idiot, you know what’s coming down the pike in November, and damned few politicians are willing to risk their careers so nonchalantly.

A conversation at a cocktail party in the year 2032: “Say, aren’t you the one who ran with Trump back in 2016 in that historic wipe out? I always wondered what happened to you after that.”

And CrĀz? He has to put tuna fish down his pants just to get near his cat. EVERYONE hates him. Politicians spend years, sometimes decades positioning themselves for a run for the Executive. Who in their right mind would be willing to gamble their political legacy by agreeing to second-billing on CrĀz’s marquee, only to go down in flames alongside the likes of him? (John McCain knows a little bit about choosing just the right running mate, maybe CrĀz ought to consult with him).

So yeah, they’ll both be able to find someone willing to run with them, but due to their own histrionics and nasty personalities, they’ve already eliminated 9/10ths of the potential field. Would someone like Huckabee, Jeb!, Santorum or the like agree to run with either of them? Not a chance. They’re stupid, but not THAT stupid. I could see Chris Christy agreeing to run with Trump, though. He’s a suck-up willing to do anything for power. Or maybe Dr. Ben Carson. He’s not doing anything these days anyway. And maybe Mike Lee with CrĀz. Not exactly the crème de la crème, but that’s where they’re at…they’ve chased off everyone else with their extremist/racist/dominionist views.

But on the Democratic side, the field is wide open for both Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Most upwardly mobile politicians would jump at the chance to run alongside either of them.

For Bernie, I could see him picking a young, progressive Congressman or Governor. Someone like Cory Booker or Jeff Merkley (who just endorsed Bernie yesterday, by the way). Even if Booker isn’t tapped, this time, watch his career: IMHO, he’s a man with a very bright future.

For Hillary, I envision her choosing someone like Joaquín Castro. He’s young, charismatic, handsome, eminently qualified, and being Hispanic doesn’t hurt. Choosing Wendy Davis or Cecile Richards would be a dream feminist ticket, though I doubt even the Democratic base is that progressive just yet. Maybe they are.

So, here’s my whimsical list of some potential running mates for the four candidates accompanied by a heavy dose of #Lindersnark:

Sanders/Booker

• Clinton/Castro

• Clinton/Sanders

• Sanders/Clinton

• Clinton/Clinton (what would the 22nd Amendment say about that?)

• Trump/Nugent

• CrĀz/Gingrich

• Trump/Omarosa

• Trump/O’Reilly

• CrĀz/LaPierre

• Trump/Ivanka Trump (if only she wasn’t my daughter…<sigh>)

CrĀz/Priebus

• Trump/Coulter

• CrĀz/Falwell

• Trump/Duke

Bottom line: In order to actually have a chance at winning, both CrĀz and Trump have to select a running mate who’s 1) qualified, and 2) isn’t completely batshit. The problem: The only ones willing to run with either of them are at least as batshit as they are. Catch 22.

This is going to be an election year unlike any other in American history.

Feature image courtesy of Matt Sullivan/Reuters

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