President Obama is Comedian-in-Chief at this weekend’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Amazingly, we were able to score what might be an advance copy of his remarks.
THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, everybody.
Well, its election season again, or, as we call it in Washington, always.
Donald Trump is doing pretty well. He’s beaten Scott Walker, Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush. Please clap.
Donald Trump’s candidacy has killed the careers of so many conservative politicians, his campaign is now considered one of Sarah Palin’s Death Panels.
A lot of people wonder how Donald Trump got so rich. He did it the old fashioned way. He pulled himself up by his own father’s bootstraps.
The establishment looks at Donald Trump as a flip-flopper. They think he talks out of both sides of his ass.
Enough about Donald Trump. Let’s talk about Republicans.
President Obama at the 2012 White House Correspondent’s Dinner. (Please scroll to 1:51)
“Even though I’m not running for re-election, I’ll make one campaign promise. If Ted Cruz is elected, I’ll shut down the government.”
THE PRESIDENT (continued):
The Republican Party is in such bad shape it applied for Obamacare.
It was turned down. Obstructing the Obama agenda is considered a preexisting condition.
I don’t know if you heard, but Ted Cruz seems to be jumping the gun a little bit. He just announced on CNN he’s running for reelection as president in 2020.
In an interview, John Boehner called Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh” and “a miserable son of a bitch.” This proves that even a broken Speaker of the House is correct two times a day.
Even before this year’s Republican convention, the Cruz campaign chose Carly Fiorina as its vice presidential candidate. I guess the campaign felt that Ted Cruz on his own was not repugnant enough. I don’t know if Carly is up to the job. Up until now, she’s only destroyed corporations.
“It’s kind of ironic how life works out. Hillary Clinton is trying to get my job and I’m trying to get Goldman Sachs to pay me $250,000 an hour.”
Even though I’m not running for re-election, I’ll make one campaign promise. If Ted Cruz is elected, I’ll shut down the government.
On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders says he’ll fight for the nomination all the way to the convention. But it seems that the more he wins, the farther behind he gets. See, you have to understand how the Democratic Party system works. Its not about votes, its about delegates. The way the delegates are counted, if Bernie dropped out now, he’d actually have a better chance of winning the nomination. In fact, if he’d have never ran, he’d already be the nominee.
A funny thing happened in the White House this morning. I was reading the Top Top Secret, For My Eyes Only, White House Daily Security Briefing. And I’m reading about ISIL and Syria and Iran, and I realize, wait… this isn’t my Top Top Secret, For My Eyes Only, White House Daily Security Briefing. It’s a stack of Hillary Clinton’s emails.
How did that happen? I gotta check my AOL.
THE PRESIDENT: (continued)
I kid, but it’s kind of ironic how life works out. I won pretty convincingly in 2008 and 2012. Now, Hillary Clinton is trying to get my job and I’m trying to get Goldman Sachs to pay me $250,000 an hour.
It’s getting late and I just want to say you might want to avoid the rest rooms here in this hotel and stop at a service station on your way home. The bathrooms may not be as clean and there might be cross-dressers in the line, but at the gas station you won’t be finding sex offenders and pedophiles in the next stall.
In closing, I want to say that I can’t believe my eight years as President are almost up. Michelle and I are so grateful, and we still have so much work to do. We’ve got to pack, fill out change of address cards, take away all your guns.
Well, I guess that’s something we can leave to Hillary.
Good night, and God Bless America.
Barack Obama and Keegan-Michael Key at White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner 2015 By The White House from Washington, DC (P042515LJ-0719) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
video: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3APresident_Obama_at_2012_White_House_Correspondents_Dinner.ogv By Barack Obama / White House (YouTube) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons